I need help with writing commercial account letters!

commercial account letters

Good morning Steve,

I am a new commercial rep for one of your SFS member companies. My boss has attended SFS and during a meeting he said to get your opinion of what you think about the below sample of our commercial account letters that go to potential clients. Thank you for your time and consideration on this matter.

Rarin’ to Go in Kansas City

Here’s the letter.  (I’m very proud of it.)

I would like to welcome you to the world of “Problem Free” floor care. Here at Triple A Cleaning we want our clients to be truly successful. To aid you in your success we have put together a “Problem Free” floor maintenance program.

This involves a personalized evaluation of your needs, a custom construction of your worry free program, and pre-scheduled appointments. This is so you don’t have to worry about the “who and when” of getting your floors maintained. All you have is the comfort of knowing that you no longer need to be concerned about how the floors look, or what kind of germs are hanging out in your carpets.

I would like to invite you to go to our website to read over what others have had to say about the service they have received, and how you and your business would benefit from your “problem free” relationship with Triple A.

Thank you for your time and consideration on this matter, and we look forward to the opportunity to serve you and your business.


Triple A Cleaning

Hi Rarin’,

Tell your boss I said hi.  I’ve attached a modified version of your letter.  I can see you put a lot of work into it.  Sorry to rain on your parade BUT …

Remember that people are super busy right now and their attention span is almost zero.  So ya gotta get to the point and especially so with unsolicited mailings.

NOTE:  I highly recommend a 30 year old book that is more pertinent than ever- “On Writing Well: The Classic Guide to Writing Non-Fiction” by William Zinsser.  It is like 9 bucks at Amazon.

For example, Rarin’, my version below is 192 words versus your 198.  More to the point, I jump in first with their “point of pain” and how you can help them.  (With prospects it is all about them- people are selfish!)

Test these commercial account letters by mailing to a good commercial list and then be sure to call them.  I’ll be interested in your response. (Expect LOTS of rejection and “So who are you with again?” replies!)

One hint we used in our business was to focus on one market sector at a time.  So we would send commercial account letters one week only to restaurants, then the next week to real estate offices, then doctor’s offices, etc.  We found we “got in the groove” that way.

Therefore, let me know how these ideas work for you and be sure to use our SFS Commercial Carpet Analysis form to help structure that first important consultation.

Steve Toburen

PS  Finally, numerous surveys have found the information in your “PS” sticks with customers more than any other part of your commercial account letters.  Consequently, be sure to put an important sales point in the PS.  In my example below I point the prospect toward my “review page” on my website plus offer to demo their worst area- FREE!

In conclusion, here’s my edited letter and don’t forget to download my free Special Report on “How to Sell Commercial Carpet Cleaning”.

Are you tired of constant floor maintenance headaches at ____________?  Unreliable help, constant scheduling problems  and dirty, dingy floors?  Even worse, YOU get the blame!  Ouch!

Make your cleaning challenges go away forever with Triple A’s “Problem Free” floor maintenance program.  With “Problem Free” you receive a free “Commercial Carpet Analysis” of your traffic/soiling issues along with professional solutions.  (This in depth analysis will be valuable whether you use our services or not!)

We’ll also develop a customized proposal including economical pre-scheduled appointments. Now you won’t have to worry about the “who and when” of floor cleaning!

I’ll give you a call next week to schedule your personal Commercial Carpet Analysis. Or of course you can call me at xxx-xxx-xxxx or email me at xxx@xxxxx.com  (I reply to emails within the hour- guaranteed!)



PS  Read what our commercial clients say about Triple A’s “Problem Free” Floor Maintenance Program HERE.  (Insert link to your “customer review” page.)  Keeping the floors beautiful at ______________ will not be our first rodeo!  In fact, you pick your worst area and we’ll clean it for free- we love to strut our stuff!

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